Popular Post Misuzu 148 Posted November 30, 2020 Popular Post Report Share Posted November 30, 2020 (edited) (( This thread will follow the history and development of a 16 year old now formerly homeless teenager, Ellie Montanari. Please note that the following thread will cover heavier topics such as mental health, implied self-harm, suicidal ideation, acts of suicide, physical and verbal abuse along with potential heavy descriptions of depression, panic attacks and possibly more depending on in-character events. If any of these topics affect you negatively, please consider this before reading ahead. As a usual disclaimer, none of the events stated below would be known to anyone unless clearly on display or discovered through appropriate in-character means. I'd also like to note that this is my first time attempting roleplay such as this, and so I apologize for any inaccuracies or poor portrayal of certain aspects. Feedback is always appreciated. )) INDEX NOTE: Any titles depicted in italics means that it is a history log and takes place a considerable amount of time (1 month+) before the start of Ellie's direct development on Owl Gaming. ACT ONE - BANISHED AT BIRTH [SONG CHOICE] Burn it Down by Daughter 14/SEP/2018 - A LITTLE BIT OF HISTORY - PART ONE 15/SEP/2018 - A LITTLE BIT OF HISTORY - PART TWO 06/NOV/2020 - MY LITTLE RUNAWAY 07/NOV/2020 - ROUGH NIGHT'S SLEEP 10/NOV/2020 - A GENEROUS GIFT 13/NOV/2020 - SELF HATRED 14/NOV/2020 - NOT READY YET 29/NOV/2020 - ABANDONMENT 04/DEC/2020 - REGRET 05/DEC/2020 - KIND STRANGER 06/DEC/2020 - SILENCE SPEAKS A THOUSAND WORDS 07/DEC/2020 - A FRESH START 25/DEC/2020 - A DIFFERENT KIND OF CHRISTMAS ACT TWO - PLACE OF BELONGING [SONG CHOICE] True Faith cover by Ashley Johnson 26/DEC/2020 - A DARK DAY (PART I) 26/DEC/2020 - A DARK DAY (PART II) 26/DEC/2020 - A DARK DAY (PART III) 27/DEC/2020 - SAME SONG ON REPEAT 28/DEC/2020 - THOUGHTS LOST IN TRANSLATION 01/JAN/2021 - DESIRED ISOLATION 03/JAN/2021 - INDECISIVENESS 04/JAN/2021 - ALL TOO MUCH 07/JAN/2021 - LETTING IT OUT 08/JAN/2021 - A SIMPLE REQUEST 10/JAN/2021 - REUNITING 11/JAN/2021 - LOCKDOWN 12/JAN/2021 - TALKING IT OVER ACT THREE - THE LAST PIECE OF HOPE [SONG CHOICE] Be my Escape by Relient K 13/JAN/2021 - PROMISES & LIES (PART I) 13/JAN/2021 - PROMISES & LIES (PART II) 14/JAN/2021 - AN ATTEMPT TO RECONCILE 16/JAN/2021 - ROUND IN CIRCLES 17/JAN/2021 - HOMEWARD BOUND Edited 4 hours ago by Misuzu 8 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Popular Post Misuzu 148 Posted November 30, 2020 Author Popular Post Report Share Posted November 30, 2020 (edited) ACT ONE - BANISHED AT BIRTH I guess this is lucky in some aspects. Some don't get to escape. Some do, but at a price. This is mine. I really don't like the person I've become. Who wants to become this? You wake up and hope you don't find the last pieces you have left of your old life gone, or that somebody isn't stood in your face expecting something more than a warm welcome. Then you put on a brave face and walk, no matter how bad it hurts. Regardless of the looks you get from people, regardless of the pain you get when your skin rubs against your shoes, if you're going to survive another day, then you have to keep going. Are you hungry? Are you thirsty? Tired, maybe? Too bad. The worst part is when you finally run out of money which, around here, usually doesn't take long. At least in my case it didn't. You either get reckless with it or you get it ripped right out from under your hands. Even if you're resourceful, stuff like that doesn't stick around, no matter how hard you try. Trust me. When that happens, all you can rely on is the generosity of other people if you're brave enough to venture down that route. I'm not, and so I resort to relying on the lives of other people instead, what they do and what they want or don't want, whatever they feel like spending their daily lives doing. You know the saying, "one person's trash is another person's treasure"? In my case, it's all I have to go off. Occasionally, you might find something nice. A jacket that isn't too crusty or torn, a hat that fits perfectly on your head, warm food that you catch barely moments after the local takeaway throws them out, or maybe just a brief moment of solitude and peacefulness where, for once, just for that one second, everything feels okay, and then you go back to reality. When you're done for the day, find somewhere that you won't be seen and hope that nobody will pass you by and take what you do have left when you aren't looking. Reflect and torment yourself, and then bunk down. Rinse and repeat. If you asked me why I still do this every day, I'd tell you that it's because I'm a coward. I really don't feel like there's anything more to it. I do this because I have to, not because I want to. This is it. Edited January 15 by Misuzu 10 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Popular Post Misuzu 148 Posted December 1, 2020 Author Popular Post Report Share Posted December 1, 2020 (edited) SONG CHOICE: Burn it Down by Daughter Momma told me all of this is, Just a place we have to settle for. Less than anything we dream on, We'll continue to be disappointments. Edited January 15 by Misuzu 7 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Popular Post Misuzu 148 Posted December 2, 2020 Author Popular Post Report Share Posted December 2, 2020 (edited) 14/SEP/2018 I've just finished eating dinner. Mum is going on again about how her new job just isn't working out, saying that people just won't give her a fair chance. You can barely hear her over the music blasting from the TV, but by this point, it isn't very difficult for me to guess what she is saying. It's a typical Wednesday night. Standing up, I take my plate over to the sink. The dirty grey sink is already piled up with unwashed bowls and cutlery from the last 5 nights, so much that you almost forget that there is actually a sink beneath such a mess pile. I turn the tap on and move my hand to pick up the cloth when I am interrupted by a pounding knock on the front door. I peer over at Mum, who is slouched back in Dad's old red reclining chair in the living room, empty beer bottle in hand. "I'll get it, Mum," I say through a voice that sounds more like a sigh. I start running through the options of who it could be in my head as I begin travelling down the corridor. Is it the police again? A fully blown mob cartel? CPS? It's time like these that I wish we got a peek-hole installed when Dad was still around, maybe then ignoring unwanted visitors would be slightly easier. My hand curls around the doorknob and I pull it towards me, peering my head out and half expecting to find a gun of sorts in my face. "Oh! Mr. Maurer... is everything alright?" I blurt out, almost feeling taken aback by the sight of a familiar face staring back at me. I force on a smile, but the scowl that was etched across his forehead when I opened the door had already told me everything I needed to know. He furrows his brows for a second more upon seeing me and quickly straightens his posture up. "Sorry, I didn't expect to see you up so late, Ellie." He clears his throat amongst what seems like a tense yet awkward sensation surrounding the environment between us. I merely shrug unknowingly in response. He sighs under his breath, peering through the gap and into the dimly lit corridor. "Anyway, could you please ask your Mother to turn that god-damned music down? It's driving me up the fucking walls," he grunts. His eyes widen a second later upon realization of his word usage, but doesn't say anything. Momentarily, I look back over my shoulder, greeted by the sight of my Mother staring over at me, rather dead-pan. Her expression matches one you might expect if you just saw somebody run starch down the street. Turning my head back round, I curl the corners of my lips into a vague smile, nodding my head in accompaniment. "Sure," I respond, trying my best to sound upmost enthuastic, yet to what feels like no avail. "I'm... sorry about the music, I'll get her to turn it off". I complete my sentence with a soft, rather self-deprecative laugh. Behind the door, my fingers drum lightly against the doorknob. Just for a few seconds, we look at eachother, almost as if neither of us knows what to say. Soon enough, he downs a nod, albeit very brief and speaks out a "Alright! Well... thanks, and please make sure I don't have to come back here again for the same reason." Knowing such a possibility isn't feasible, I nod my head to which he nods back and pivots, making his way back upstairs. I watch as he goes and then sigh, staring out in the direction of the stairwell for what seems like an eternity before I shut the door and walk back down towards the living room. Mum's eyes follow me through like birds hunting prey. "What'd he want?" she groans. I stand at the opposite end of the room, almost instinctively pressed against the door frame. I swallow before responding, "That was Mr. Maurer, he, uh.. he wants us to turn the music down". Nervously, I bite the bottom of my lip out of view and hold my breath, glancing back at the piercing stare. I place one foot behind me, ready to turn at any given moment. "Fucking asshole, pooping the party," she snarls as she pushes herself up from the chair. My breath heightens a little and I watch as the turns the corner of the table. The fingers of my right hand grip around the door frame. She reaches down to the table and picks up the remote. My grip loosens. Everything finally becomes a bit more orientated as the volume finally lowers. I look around the room, my breathing finally slowing to a rest. I give it a moment before pondering back over to the sink. Thirty minutes later, the washing up is all done and lays against the drying rack. The room stinks of washing up liquid and unsanitized drainage, an aspect that I've grown used to by this point. I turn back and see Mum still slumped on the same old couch, only this time she's laid there with her head back and her mouth drooped open, still barely grasping onto one last bottle of beer at the end of her fingertips. I tip-toe through to the room and grab the remote, turning the TV off before heading towards the couch. I drag off one of the old checkered blankets that hangs over, revealing a patch of torn out fabric beneath it and try to gently fold it around Mum. I take the bottle out of her hand and put it on the floor and finally head to my room to bunk down for the night. Edited January 15 by Misuzu 8 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Popular Post Misuzu 148 Posted December 7, 2020 Author Popular Post Report Share Posted December 7, 2020 (edited) 15/SEP/2018 I hate today. September 15th, 4 months exactly since Dad died. Every month, at around this time, things never go well. Mum's more out of it than usual, and all of a sudden it's like we don't exist to anyone or anything outside of these 4 walls. Things just change. As I wake up in the morning, it's like you can instantaneously tell what the day ahead is going to be like. It's 7:15am and still dark, you can hear the rain pounding against the window. I find it comical how life almost sets itself up like a movie on some days. You're able to predict the entire day just by the weather or even the feeling of the atmosphere, maybe even the sounds in your environment, but what can you do about it? I sit on the edge of my bed and hunch my shoulders a little before relaxing them. My stomach feels like somebody has just sent an entire human body slamming right into it. God-dammit. My phone buzzes on the bedside cabinet. I reach for it and check. Nothing but the alarm I set. I stand up and slip my phone into my pocket, walking out into the hall. I shoot a glance in the direction of the living room. Mum's still sleeping on the couch in the exact same way I left her last night. I go through to the bathroom and get ready for the day, getting dressed into my usual go-to of a cardigan and jeans. On normal days, I'd hate High School, but it's days like today that make me somewhat thankful for it. If I was stuck in here for the whole day, I think I'd lose my mind. It at least means I can get some nice food at the cafeteria. Eventually the clock signals that it's time for me to leave. Mum's still sleeping, so I just grab my bag and leave for the bus. I love travelling, especially if it's by bus or train. I can stick my headphones on and watch the world outside go by effortlessly. I'd do it all day if I could. 7 hours later and the day's finally done. I guess you could call it a success, but at the same time, nothing out of the ordinary. I thank the bus driver on my way out and re-adjust the straps of my bag over my shoulder, taking my phone out of my pocket, headphones still in place. I check my e-mails to see if there's anything interesting. Nothing but a few social media notifications. I look back up and 10 minutes later, I find myself at my own doorstop. It feels almost too quiet for it to be comfortable. The door's still unlocked, so I make my way indoors, dumping my bag and my shoes by the doorstop. "Mum?" I call out, cautiously stepping through the hallway and into the living room. The blanket I moved last night is sprawled out across the floor. I sigh through my nostrils, pursing my lips as I ponder on what to do. I bend down and pick the blanket up, folding it over before setting it back over the broken sofa patch. I sit down on the red reclining chair, and I can almost understand how Mum fell asleep here. It's not overly soft, nor is it overly welcoming to be flexible on, but.. it smells of Dad, so I get it. Before I know it, I've fallen asleep as well. And that's when I felt her hands on me for the first time in months. Feeling myself fall onto the ground below, I open my eyes to find Mum's come back home, only she's as expected; zoinked out of her mind on God knows what. She's looking down at me in a fashion that makes me subconsciously believe I've just murdered 50 kindred souls. I can feel my heart beating against the wall of my chest. All I feel I can do is look back at her, almost as if I've completely frozen in place. I swallow. There's a moment of silence. Neither of us have to say a word. I pick myself up from the ground, dragging myself back to my bedroom and lie down on my bed where I admire the wall ahead of me expressionlessly. What are you supposed to feel? Edited January 15 by Misuzu 6 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Popular Post Misuzu 148 Posted December 22, 2020 Author Popular Post Report Share Posted December 22, 2020 (edited) 06/NOV/2020 By this point, I'm not really sure how long or how far I've ran. She brought home another man today. She promised me after last month's ordeal that this would be the last one. She had met someone at what I now refer to as her second home and came back stupidly late. I'm not sure what I was still doing up, but.. let's just say it didn't go down well with Mum. As predicted, he was on her side. He just wasn't as friendly as Mum about it. I guess he wanted to show off or something. Who knows? Mum apologized to me profusely the next day and even tried to take me out to dinner. She cried to the point her make-up became all smeared and she looked sort of funny. I don't like it when she cries, but the times it actually feels like she cares about me, and that it's just me and her getting through life, are nice. I can't say I'm surprised, though. It isn't like it's the first time we've had this sort of conversation, either. Alcohol or no alcohol, her words and promises have always been empty. Then again, I wonder if what I'm doing is any less selfish. I just don't want to deal with this anymore. The inconsistencies, the arguments, and the nights I don't want to talk about. Who am I kidding? I have no idea what I'm doing right now. My mind's racing, almost faster than I, myself, am running. What if she calls the police? What if she doesn't care at all? What if this could all change tomorrow? What if I'm just giving up on this thing way too soon? Half of me is telling me to turn back and try to pretend nothing happened, the other half is telling me to just keep on running. It's so sickening that it feels like I'm running towards my own demise. I finally reach the point where it feels my legs are crumbling underneath me and slow down, trying to catch my breath. A burning sensation is over-riding my cheeks and it feels like everything in my chest is trying to find its way out from beneath my skin. Unsure of why, I start crying right there and right then. Where am I even supposed to go from here? Is there still time to go back? I look around and try to pinpoint somewhere safe to stop. Knowing I've come completely unprepared for this doesn't help either. Eventually, I reach a small park that seems vacated; unsurprising considering the time of day. The park is barely covered by the streetlights, but it's probably the best I've got. I cross the road and find a bench to sit on, putting my rucksack down before myself. I sit there for a minute, almost cradling myself in an attempt to collect my thoughts. Afterwards, I reach into my backpack and take my phone out. Most of my family distanced themselves after realizing the path my Mum had gone down, with only some of them contacting us in what felt like once every blue moon. 8:55pm. How has it only been ten minutes since I left the house? After staring at my phone for a while, I turn it off to save what battery I have left. It's freezing and I didn't even bring a jacket or a coat out with me. I guess that's the expense of stupidity and impulsive decisions. The only knowledge I have about runaways with nowhere to go are things I've learnt from TV or seeing them face to face. They sleep on benches or on cardboard, they get their food by stealing or from soup kitchens, they wash in public toilets and spend most of their time begging for money, if not wandering. At least that's what you see, but I don't have the first clue on where to start. My stomach hurts like crazy, but I feel too sick to keep anything down right now. I brought what pocket money I've managed to save over the years with me, but I'm not sure how long any of this will last me. I just need to try and be resourceful. I pick myself back up from the bench and continue walking, which is when I notice an opening under the concrete pillars of one of the more larger car parks in the city. It's dirty, damp and no place for somebody to be, but it feels like my best option, being sheltered away from the outside. I crawl in and set myself down with my backpack pressed between my back and the wall. It's like an instinctive urge to protect it, almost the same feeling a parent might describe with a newborn child. I sit against the wall knowing my chances of getting any sleep tonight are low, if not non-existent. I feel hidden yet fully exposed to the entire world all at the same time. I wonder if my Mother has even noticed if I'm gone yet. I wonder if she even cares. Edited January 15 by Misuzu 8 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Popular Post Misuzu 148 Posted December 28, 2020 Author Popular Post Report Share Posted December 28, 2020 (edited) 07/NOV/2020 I barely slept. At least that's what it feels like. I wake up hunched against one of the pillars. For just a moment, nothing seems entirely real. Exhaustion is numbing. After taking a moment to collect my thoughts, my eyes suddenly widen as it finally hits me again. I quickly check over my shoulder, finding a moment of relief in the fact that my backpack is still stuck on like glue. It's light outside and the sun is glaring through the gap. It's bright, but at least it's warmer. I struggle to push myself up, stretching my arms out in front of me. I need to get something to eat, badly. I take my backpack off and put it on the floor in front of me, opening up the bigger pocket. Digging through what few supplies I brought, I fish out all the loose change from the bottom, cupping it in my hands. I emptied it out onto my lap and started counting what I could. $16, alright.. it's a start at least. I put all but $5. Now that I think about it even more, I wonder how long this will even last me. I'll just have to see what I can do. I pack back up and make my way out from under the shelter I found, checking the exit way before I depart. Being out here and not knowing if anyone's looking for me makes me feel like a deer in the headlights. It feels like everyone is staring at me and like I might be picked up anytime soon, but they can't make me go back if I don't want to, can they? I walk around for a little bit and find one of those small convenience stores, right beside the petrol station. It's packed with vehicles and I question if I should even be going in by this point. I know I need to, though. I'm not sure how far away one of the bigger supermarkets is, this might just be all I have. Finding my way in, I only spend a few minutes looking at everything. There's so many things I just want to pick up and eat, even one of those gluten free lemon bars sound good right about now. Ideally I want to find something that's cheap, but will maybe last me a while. Too bad it's a convenience store, I've heard many stories about how the prices in places like these are inflated. There's no way I have enough for a week's worth of food and drink here though. I go round and pick up two bottles of water and one of those pringles can. Who would've known a can of these would be cheaper than a sandwich? I found some elastic bands as well in the little stationary stand. They add onto the expenses, but as ridiculous as it sounds, I feel paranoid enough that maybe if I change up my appearance with these just a little, it might put my mind a little more at ease. I end up having to dig into my pocket a bit more. I never really realized how much everything was valued, both financially and on a personal level, until now. It's moments like this that make you think a little. Maybe once I've got myself set up and feeling a bit better, I'll give Uncle Ray a call. He lives quite far out of town, but maybe if he knew, he'd come over and pick me up. It's been a few months since we last spoke, but what other choice do I have.. I pay and go back to my home away from home. I'm not sure I've ever felt so tired from a simple, 10 minute walk. I put my backpack beneath me and sit back down. How am I going to do this? I know they say water is supposed to make you feel full, so should I just leave the pringles until later? I suppose it might be worth a shot.. maybe I should've cashed out a bit more for one of those sandwiches. In the end, I do just that. There's no way trying to make 2 bottles of water last more than a day in this weather can be healthy, but once again I find myself faced with no choice. Maybe if I find a park or something they'll have a water fountain I can use until Uncle Ray gets here. I hope, at least. I take my phone back out of my rucksack and turn it on. 11:43am. How the hell has my battery shot down? I turned it straight off yesterday. I'll just have to make this quick. I put the phone to my ear after picking him out from my contacts, my breath feeling heavier with every time it rings. There's no response. Well, it's something.. the phone's ringing, so the number has to be in use and his phone must be on. Maybe he's at work or something. He was always a bit like Mum, skipping through jobs constantly. No wonder they're related. I'll just leave my phone on and wait for him to call me back. He has to. I just can't use it in the meantime. That won't be so bad. The question is, what do I do in the meantime? I don't want to wear myself out walking, I can't do anything on my phone, I didn't bring anything to read or even write in. I really should have thought all of this out more thoroughly. Maybe I can find a library or something nearby? As long as I don't walk too far, and then if I get too tired I can just come back here. Then again, with all that said, I should probably look for somewhere else to be staying. For now at least, I'll wait it out a bit. I don't want to do things too quickly and make the day end up dragging on when I have no more to do. Part of me is already considering turning back, but for now I'll just survive it, at least until Uncle Ray calls me back. I can only hope that things don't last like this for much longer. Edited January 15 by Misuzu 7 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Popular Post Misuzu 148 Posted December 30, 2020 Author Popular Post Report Share Posted December 30, 2020 (edited) 10/NOV/2020 I'm finally out of money. Simultaneously, it took me longer than I initially calculated. It seems as though staying underneath that car park might have been the best bet. The only other places I've been able to find peace and a somewhat even mild form of security has been in alleyways, but they don't work as shelter at all. What makes it worse is the weather is beginning to get even colder than it was before. I'm genuinely not sure how long I'm going to last out in this. One of the things I have managed to find whilst walking around is a soup kitchen, which seems more hidden away than I thought it would have been. I stand there debating if I should even go in. Do I deserve this? Do I really need this? What if I'm taking it away from somebody who needs it more or who is in a worse situation than me? I technically still have a home and a "family" to go back to if I wanted to. It feels like stealing. Maybe I'll just go in and take a look. If it still doesn't feel right, I'll just leave. I peer over my shoulder to make sure nobody else is watching before opening the door and stepping in. There's quite a lot of people already here - some of them queuing and some of them already sat down to eat. Even if I planned to stick around, where am I supposed to go from here? I'm just about to turn around and leave when I catch a glimpse of someone trying to motion me over. Maybe I'm just misunderstanding, there's probably someone behind me that she's talking to instead. I check - there's nobody. I look back at the lady across the room, still hesitant to step over. Does she recognize me from somewhere? Before I know it, she's walked over to me. "Welcome," she says. She speaks with a sort of funny-sounding British accent. As I try to avoid any eye contact, she introduces herself as Rae. She seems over-excited despite the circumstances and merely tells me to follow her. Feeling it would be more rude to run away than to stay and say nothing, I trace after her. On my way through, I can't help but take a second look at the other people around me. It's weird knowing that everybody here has their own story and their own reasons for being here. There's young people, old people, males and females - all of which are different. We finally come to a stop by a set of counters. Keeping my glance lowered and observing the lady's shoes more than her face, I watch as she slides a menu in front of me. It's decorated with letters and pictures - most of which I've heard of before, but most of which I've never had. There's fish sticks, tofu, sushi, soups and even steak on here. The mere sight of the items printed on the paper in front is enough to make my stomach grumble. Just about everything on here sounds nice right now. Working up the courage to speak, I finally settle on the vegetable and noodle soup. I feel sick to my stomach and I can't tell if it's the anxiety or the hunger talking. After I ask, I watch her jot something down onto an old looking piece of paper. She slides it over. She's written down asking me if I'm in any danger. I wouldn't consider myself to be at least, so I force myself to look up just for a moment and shake my head. Acknowledging my request, she walks off. I feel so awkward stood here in the center of the room, especially by myself now. It feels like everybody is looking at me, even though I know they're likely too wrapped up in their own troubles to be focused on mine. I drum my fingers lightly against the counter to a rhythm I find myself making up as I go. Eventually, Rae returns. I'm sure only a few minutes passed, but it feels like a lot longer than that. She's holding a tray with a soup and a cup with some sort of tea looking beverage on it. I share a brief glance with her before she speaks up again, offering me a space in the staff room to eat for today at least. I open my mouth to answer, but I don't get the chance to before she shouts out for her colleague, asking her to cover before pivoting off and walking to the other side of the room. Still bathing in my own silence, I follow after her once again. She takes me into this room that smells more of those incense sticks people have as opposed to the smell of food that was overpowering back in the main part of the kitchen. There's somebody else sat on the other side of the room, but he doesn't seem to notice either of us entering. She pulls out a chair for me by a table and puts the tray down. I sit down, feeling pathetic at the fact that I can't even bring myself to mutter a simple "thank you". She speaks an entire paragraph of stuff I feel going through one ear and out the other. I nod along, not knowing exactly what I'm agreeing to here, but it may be easier this way. I look down at the soup for a couple of seconds. Deep down I just want to grab the bowl and swallow the meal whole, but I need to act somewhat normal about this, right? I pick the spoon up and help myself to a mouthful of it. It's the sort of taste that makes you want to cry, but I don't know why. It's so different to what I'm used to having. It's just good. For just a brief moment, it makes me feel as if none of this is real. Did they put something in this soup? All of a sudden, I feel something hunch up behind my left leg. My head jolts over my shoulder to check what it is. There's a bag just sitting there, stuffed to the brim with odds and ends. "It makes me happy that you enjoyed it, it's the fourth time I made veggie noodle soup," I hear Rae say as I continue looking at the top of the bag. Layered at the top is a bottle of hand sanitizer, some gloves and a hair brush. I'm not sure what else is in there, and I don't have much time to look before I see Rae offering me something in the corner of my eye. I look back at her to find an extended palm with some sort of small, thin card in her hand. She speaks about somewhere called Milford Street, where there should be a Red Cross building. She says if I donate a bit of plasma, they'll give me some money. What the hell is human plasma? I take the business card from her and briefly inspect the card. I finally am able to bring myself to look at her for more than second to nod, and the words I wanted to speak the entire time finally come out with great difficulty. "Thank you.." I mutter, not sure if she actually heard it. She leans on the table and tells me not to thank her, that it's what she loves doing. Then she pops the big question - will I be coming back again? I feel unsure, but I don't want to let her down with this, especially after what she's given me today. I tell her I'll do my best. She tells me she included a hoodie and jeans in the bag below and says she won't let me leave until I get changed into them out in the back room. Again, she doesn't give me the chance to answer before walking off, telling me she'll be by the counter when I'm done. If we both entered a contest of stubbornness, I'm not sure which of us two would win. I sit there feeling sorry for myself before heading off to locate the room she mentioned. After going through the bag, I can't help but feel even more worse. There's shampoo in here along with socks, matches, a lighter and other bits and pieces. I struggle to bring myself to put the newly offered clothing on. The feeling from earlier hits again. When I finally bring myself to put them on, I find myself wanting to cry yet again at how soft the hoodie is on the inside. How strange. Rae is standing by the counter like she promised and I can notice the widest smile I've ever seen plastered across her face. She jokes that I look ready to invade Russia if I wish to and compliments the appearance of the clothes on me, even if they are a bit baggy. She asks me to at least share my name. Maybe that's the least I can do for her after today. Nonetheless, I still feel nervous. What if she's heard about a missing girl with my name and the moment I say it, that's it and I'll be back off to Mum's. Then again, I could just be any Ellie, right? Getting frustrated at my own over-thinking, I give in and tell her, believing it would bother me less if I did rather than didn't. Half expecting the worst, she just smiles and tells me she's glad I enjoyed the meal. I learn she works at the nearby Hospital. Out of nowhere, she steps forward and hugs me. My breath holds still for just a second before it relaxes again. Once she's done, I successfully mutter another thank you. Despite saying it twice, I feel my words aren't enough at all. She smiles as I walk off and head outside, debating my next move. My stomach still hurts so damn badly. Despite it still being quite early in the day, I want to just go and sit down somewhere, rest and process the day. I find myself somewhere quiet to sit and manage to fit most of the assets she had packed into my backpack. I feel like I can take better care of it if it's like this. At the same time, it's like a new sense of grief. Where as before I didn't have much but myself and a few small bits to worry about, I now have all of this. Even though all the items here are available in supermarkets everywhere, they feel so irreplaceable. It feels like a child that I have to take care of. So that's what it feels like... I see. Edited January 15 by Misuzu 7 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Popular Post Misuzu 148 Posted December 30, 2020 Author Popular Post Report Share Posted December 30, 2020 (edited) 13/NOV/2020 The past few days, I've been going back to the soup kitchen daily just like I promised Rae I would. I'll admit that it still doesn't make me feel better, but seeing her smile each time at least brings me some form of comfort that maybe, just maybe, I'm doing the right thing. I haven't yet used much of the supplies she's given me. I don't know if it's me trying to be resourceful, me being too embarrassed to use it, me trying to wait on the perfect opportunity to use them or simply me trying to subconsciously avoid the situation. The socks, gloves, hat and jacket are especially helpful as the weather continues getting colder. Yesterday it even snowed for just an hour. I really hope that it doesn't start to settle. We've not had many bad winters, but when we have had those years, it's often got to the point where going outside feels impossible due to the sheer drop in temperature. If that happens, going home may be the only choice unless I want to freeze my way out of existence. It sounds slow, and it sounds painful. Less painful then going home? I don't know, but I don't really want to risk it in the first place. Maybe I'll speak to Rae tomorrow and ask if she knows of somewhere I could go. Sounds absolutely irrational in comparison to what I've been thinking about even standing in an environment like a soup kitchen, but I suppose that's the instinct to survive, even if you're not overly sure you're keen on that idea. It's another night of moving alleyways and honestly, by this point, I'm not sure how many times I've circled certain parts of this city. The worst part is not knowing exactly where I am sometimes. Growing up, you always know there's certain areas you're supposed to avoid unless you have a certain death wish. As I said, I'm still debating on my own. As I sit and lie as comfortably as one could get against a backpack stuffed with solid items, and perhaps by sheer irony as I'm just beginning to feel safe around here, I can hear the distant sounds of a single bang. I can't tell if it was a gunshot, an explosion, or even a cat knocking over a box somewhere, but it's enough to jolt me upright and try and figure out where the sound came from. Almost right on queue, a few more bangs go off. Right, that's the last two options eliminated. Almost immediately, I can feel the two halves of my mind tearing at eachother. 'What the fuck just happened?' 'It's fine, it's probably nothing, right?' 'No, and you know that it's not, you NEED to get away from here!' 'What if it was far away, though?' 'And what if it wasn't?!' 'What if I run into it by mistake?' 'Does it matter too much if I do?' Even though it's a lot of thoughts, they're all gone and out of my head within a split second. I feel like I'm preparing to run for the Olympics as I yank my bag off the ground and dart out of the back of the alleyway. I can hear more shots popping off along with the sounds of sirens, but they seem to be coming from behind me. The adrenaline I feel pumping through my right now is even worse than what I felt the night I left home. Even though I'm sure I'm tired, it's almost like a feeling of weightlessness, like my body could carry me 1,000 miles if I needed it to. I quickly look left and right and decide to make my way towards the latter, there seems to be a few more places to go that way so it gives me more options if push comes to shove. I keep running, occasionally tempted to look over my shoulder to make sure my mind isn't tricking me. The sound of the shots are almost so buried beneath the sound of all the sirens, I can't tell if they're even there at all anymore. I keep on running until I reach another empty alleyway can barely hear anything in the distance. The moment I stop, it's like somebody just set all of my insides on fire at once. The first thing I recognize is the pounding of my heart in my chest, which feels like it's going 5,000 miles per hour. You know when you repeat a word so much that the word begins sounding funny? It's sort like that, where after a while you start feeling nothing but the thumping, that's it's just an internal feeling and forget the feeling of the actual organs behind it. After that, the same thing kicks in, but with my lungs instead. And then it's the lower part of my back. Maybe adrenaline rushes aren't as good as I thought they were. I'm standing there trying to frantically catch my breath, letting myself lean against a nearby wall. My stomach bends over itself and I feel like I could throw up at any given point. As I bend over, my head joins in on the tormenting fun as well. I'm not sure what happens inbetween, but I soon find myself sitting against the same wall. Right now it feels like the world around me is moving in a way that's 10x faster than I am as opposed to before, when it felt like I was faster than the rest of the world. What the hell is this feeling? After what feels like an antagonizing eternity, I finally am able to catch my breath. My chest doesn't hurt as much anymore, but I can still feel it in the rest of my body. My legs shake beneath me as I push myself back up. I double check that I still have my backpack on me before taking a moment to actually check where I've landed myself. I know half of me could just drop dead asleep right here and now, but I choose to put what energy I've got left into making sure I can still see Rae again tomorrow. To what seems to be a matter of luck being on my side, the alleyway is empty. I just hope I can actually find my way back tomorrow morning. There's a small area where the wall digs in a little that looks quite hidden away in comparison to the rest of the alleyway. Whilst most teenagers are out looking for their dream qualities in a romantic partner, here I am scouting out my dream qualities of an alleyway. I lie myself down, but find myself struggling to get to sleep, even though I'm more exhausted than I've ever been. 'Will I ever get out of this?' 'Do I deserve to?' 'Why are you even here?' I can't even answer the questions I ask myself before my mind moves onto the next thing. Caught on a genuine debate of returning home, all I can see is my Mum sitting there on the floor, crying and blaming herself, saying she's lost everything now. I hear her voice and all the time she's apologized to me for what she's done, all the nights she's cried and said she'll change. I can't even see the fights anymore, or the arguments. The times she shouted or hit me, the times she's not been there for me. Before it's all I ever saw in her, but right now I can't help but feel it was all me all along. You know she loves you, you fucking idiot.. As I feel my own eyes welling up, I've finally answered my own question. 'Why were you never good enough?' .. I feel like the fucking worst. Edited January 15 by Misuzu 5 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Misuzu 148 Posted December 30, 2020 Author Report Share Posted December 30, 2020 (edited) 14/NOV/2020 I wake up what feels earlier than usual to find the right side of my stomach feeling agonizingly sore. I roll onto my front, feeling surprisingly like I could just not move all day if I could. Having forgotten about yesterday's thoughts, I sigh and reluctantly push myself up, my stomach seemingly disagreeing more with that. I must've really fatigued myself out with all that running yesterday. I probably just need some food in me. The pain in my legs finally hits as I stand up. Nothing unusual, just feels like I've pulled a muscle. I used to do that all the time back in P.E class to the point where sometimes I'd write myself excuse notes to try and get out of sitting down with an ice pack for hours on end. I hate those things. I navigate myself back out the alleyway, trying to gradually recall the way I ran in my haste last night. It takes me a while longer than usual, both thanks to the distance, but also thanks to the fact that I'm struggling to walk on this ankle. After a few lost twist and turns, I finally hunt the soup kitchen down. I step in the door and look around for Rae as usual. She's still been letting me use the staff room and says I can keep eating there until I start feeling comfortable enough to go outside and join the others, said I might even be able to make a new friends, although most people apparently tend to keep to themselves around here. It's somewhat comforting to know I'm not the only person. I spot Rae heading over to me in her useful manner, looking as bubbly and upbeat as always. She places a hand on my shoulder and welcomes me like she always does as we begin walking to the center counters. I throw on a smile in hopes of convincing her against the fact that my stomach feels like someone's thrown a full scaled truck into it. If she asks, I suppose I'll just say I'm extra hungry today. To hear such a thing might make her happy at least. "I got some nigiri for you as a snack," she says. She then bombards me with another two questions, "did you sleep well? Have you contacted Doctor Yamatoshi?". I lie through my teeth and tell her I did sleep well. Technically, it's not a lie. I still slept. I haven't yet contacted Dr. Yamatoshi, though. I keep meaning to, but I'll admit to myself that I'm slightly scared. I still have no clue what human plasma is. I take a sit in the same seat as I've been taking up every day since I first came here. The routine continues as usual - Rae disappears off for a minute whilst I get comfortable, coming back a minute later with a tray. Every day, I've been having the same noodle soup. After a few days, she gave up on offering me the menu and started having the soup ready and waiting for me each morning. This time, there's some sushi paired next to it. I've seen sushi loads of times before, but I've never actually tried it before. Just like I always do, I dig straight into the noodle soup, but as soon as I take the first spoonful, the pain in my stomach comes back. It's not that bad, but it's enough to sort of put me off. I am starving, though. Maybe if I eat it slowly, nobody will notice. Rae sits at the other end of the table on her phone. I feel a bit more comfortable being around her now. She lets me do things in my own time. She doesn't mind if I don't speak and she doesn't pry about it either. She makes me feel safe, and that's all I want from this. I think that to myself just before she perks up. "For this to work we need to both be honest to one another," she starts. You know when someone asks you a question that you've been dreading the inevitable of? Or like when the teacher picks on you in class when you don't know the answer? It's like that. I take a moment to look up from the bowl. "Pride brought fortune to no person, and I know you want to feel in control of things in a world that took away that control, but you'll have to be honest with me when something doesn't go well. You're doing yourself no service by avoiding telling me what's wrong with your leg, Ellie". I can tell this is a situation I don't think I'm going to be able to wiggle myself out of. Her normal, upbeat voice has switched to a more stern one and I could see the look of what seemed to be anger, but yet almost a little disappointment, burning in her eyes. I catch my gaze back down to the bowl. Maybe I can bend the truth a little? That way I'm still technically being honest. "I just caught my ankle in a bad position yesterday whilst walking.. that's all, it's no biggie". As much as it was unintentional, even I can hear myself sighing. Even though I'm not looking at her anymore, I can still feel her staring at me. In that moment, it felt like I was back home with Mum when I had done something wrong at school or made her angry by messing something up. My body tenses up again. "Off Chilliad?" "No, I just.." Crap.. I feel myself run out of words to say. Clearly "I caught my ankle in a bad place" wasn't enough. I really don't know how to expand on that, even if this was a legitimate situation. "So, if you ever would be so kind as to let me check your leg, it would be something like a scratch or a bruise?". She stands up from the table and wanders over, towering above me. As she says that, I feel a little bit more at ease. If she just checks the leg, that's all she'll find. She'll be satisfied and I won't have to worry about her checking my stomach. "Just the leg, right?" I confirm. She nods and goes back to smiling gently, asking me to come with her. I still can't say I fully see this as a good idea, but if it's what I have to do to get her to forget about it.. I guess it's my only choice. I pick myself up from the chair and tail her out, backpack in tow. She disappears off into one of the offices for a minute as I awkwardly wait outside, debating running, but I know that if I did that, I couldn't come back tomorrow. I can tell Rae is the sort of type that won't stop until things are done the way she wants them to be done. That's what Dad was like. Stubborn, but it always turned out to be for his own good. For a few seconds, I get lost in my own thoughts before she re-emerges. I follow her outside, which is.. not where I was expecting us to go. Surely she could be using one of the offices at the soup kitchen. I feel myself trailing behind her a little slower, which is when we approach a vehicle. "Where are we going?" I ask. Even though I know the answer is pretty obvious. She wants to take me to the Hospital she works at. At least that's what I hope that, if she were to kidnap me at this very moment and I had no other choice, that's where she'd want to go, even if I hate Hospitals. She cracks some sort of dark joke that she's going to drive us to a landfill to collect my organs for the black market. I ask the same question again. Even though I know the answer, I just need to hear it from her. I need to know she isn't going to try and take me somewhere I don't want to be. Even though I know I've never told her where I live, what if she found out? What if she did research? What if someone approached her about it? If I'm going back, I want to go back on my own terms. Not like this. She confirms what I thought before, that we're going to her office. She explains to me that she's got a GPS system in the car and that, if it helps me feel more at ease, I can press the destination myself to make sure it's where we're going. "Okay.." I sigh, and force myself over to the passenger door, even though everything in me is screaming to not do that. I sit down but don't close the door behind me so I still have a small opportunity of window to run if I need to. She climbs in through the other door and buckles her own seatbelt up, gesturing to the GPS screen in front. It's been ages since I've been in a car like this. I click on the destination reading "work", but pause as I go to put my own seatbelt on. "You promise, right?" For once, I manage to look straight at her in the eyes. "Promise," she says. I take a deep breath and finally put my seatbelt on, shutting the door to my right. "We'll just make sure you're okay. You'll get to see where I work, in case you ever need to pay me a visit there," she reassures, but I don't say anything. I'm too busy keeping my eyes locked on the screen in front of me. The ride feels so awkward, like I should be saying something, but I have nothing to say. We pull up to a red light. "Okay," she begins. "You must have some things you enjoy doing or listening to. Think of something that brings you happiness, tell me about them". Well, I'm stumped. Most of the last few years has just been looking after Mum and the house. When I was younger, I had load of things I used to enjoy. Going to the beach with both of them, karaoke with Mum and Dad on Friday nights.. writing stories.. all of that changed after Dad died. It just sort of all went away, almost to a point where I forgot those things ever happened. It's like the moment he died, mine died as well, and a new life began - the one with Mum, only it's like I've completely forgotten about life before until someone brings it up the way she has. I still crave things going back to the way things were, but one of the things Mum taught me quickly is that it won't. Ever. "I don't know... music, I suppose?" I make up. It's something, but at the same time, it's nothing. She asks me what genre I enjoy. I've always been one of those people that doesn't really mind. If it sounds good, I like it. If not, then well.. I don't. It's as simple as that. Finally, we pull up outside the Hospital and both unbuckle. I follow her inside to an office that is probably just like how you'd imagine it. She indicates me to sit on the consultation bed and heads out to another room. I sit down with my backpack still on, taking a moment to observe the office. Sitting down on this, I feel I could just fall back asleep, even if it's not a proper bed.. it already feels better than the concrete. I go back to admiring the floor before Rae steps back in. That's when what I feared happens. "Afraid the backpack has to go on the floor," she goes. Why? If she's just checking my leg, why would the backpack need to come off? It's not on my trousers, it's on my back. I can get them off without taking my backpack off. I know that, she knows that, so why is she asking? "I thought you said you just wanted to check my leg..?" She launches into some speech about being co-operative with free healthcare, saying she cares about me and wants to see me safe. She states she doesn't see me having anything to lose by letting her help me and offers me the choice. She says we can head back to the car and drive back to where-ever I want, if I'm really going to refuse her help. What the hell do I do? If I say no, I have to live with that awkwardness. What if she says I can't see her anymore? What if she says I can't come back into the soup kitchen until I get it checked out? At the same time, what if I say yes and she finds something she wants to admit me for? I don't want to stay in here any longer than I have to. I spent too much time in here watching Dad just deteriorate. I know it's not the same place, but still.. it reminds me too much of it. All I can do is sigh, but I suppose she takes that as my answer. I slip my backpack off and drop it onto the floor below. She mutters something I'm not sure I fully understand, but.. I can't be asked to argue right now, I just want to get out of here. Once I've taken my backpack off, she comes over and lifts the back of my top off, taking her stethoscope out from around her neck. She also wraps something around my arm. I don't know the name of them, but I've seen one of them before. I remember this time I was in Hospital as a while for a kid because of some stomach bug. It sucked. She puts the stethoscope on my back and asks me to take a deep breath, so I do. After, she cups her hands around my jaw and begins pressing lightly down to my neck. Not sure what she's checking for, I go along with it. She then goes back to the device she wrapped around my arm. If there's one bit I remember most from my time in Hospital as a kid, minus the IVs, was the feeling this thing gave you. It gets so tight around your top arm and makes it feel like the rest of your arm is going to pop off. A few seconds later, it deflates and beeps a few times. Once she's done, she finally takes the device off. "I need to see your leg," she follows up with. Like this doesn't feel awkward.. I roll both the bottoms of my jeans up until they sit just above my knee, which is when I notice what's been causing the issue. Both my knees are bruised and grazed. How the hell did that happen? If I did, I don't remember falling over. and nobody else has been near me as far as I'm aware. She says she'll be back in a minute and disappears off. I keep looking at the bruises on my leg, which is when I begin wondering.. Whilst she's gone, I take a moment to roll up the front of my t-shirt. There's a bruise on the bottom right of my stomach as well. I'm plagued with confusion by this point, trying to think of why or how something like this could have happened. I hear the door click open and quickly let go of the shirt, letting it cover over what I just witnessed. She sets some things down onto the bed beside me and begins wiping down the grazes on my knees. It stings, but it isn't as bad as what I thought it might have been. She sprays something else onto it which feels surprisingly cold. She then puts two pads over them after putting what looks like sudocrem onto them. Once she's done, she tells me I can roll the sleeves back down whilst offering me a small tube of the cream she had just applied onto the grazes. "Twice a day in the morning and before sleep, don't need to use too much". I just nod. Unexpectedly, she then reaches forward with an offer. She brings up the fact she has a guest room at home and offers me a place there. I don't know.. I'm getting desperate to get out of where I am, but am I at this point yet? What if things are still fixable with Mum? I'm still holding on to that little part of me. But at the same time, would it be selfish of me to say no? I trust her, but something in me feels like it isn't right. "Would it be alright if I thought about it for a while?" I ask. She replies with a "sure," it's a simple, direct word, but at the same time it feels like a word of disappointment and upset. She picks up my backpack before I have the chance, and so I pick myself up from the bed and tail her outside back to the vehicle and asks me where I want to be dropped off. I ask her to drop me off somewhere around the corner from the Fire Station near the soup kitchen. It's the one place I keep seeing on the daily at the moment, so it's an area I've come to trust being around a little. We drive there in complete since and she reminds me about her offer before letting me go. I feel so overwhelmed by the day that right now I just don't want to do anything. I find my route back to the same alleyway I stayed in last night, the pads on my knees making it a bit more uncomfortable to walk. Right now, I can't be asked to look for somewhere else to be. It was safe last night, surely it'll be safe again, just for one more night. Edited January 15 by Misuzu 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Misuzu 148 Posted December 30, 2020 Author Report Share Posted December 30, 2020 (edited) 29/NOV/2020 The past two weeks has been.. mentally numbing. I avoided going to the soup kitchen for a few days after the last conversation with Rae. She wasn't very happy with me when I did eventually start attending again. It was a bad idea.. for the first day, I didn't eat at all. The second day, I just slept. Day three was when I probably couldn't survive without either going back and facing Rae or resorting to stealing. I.. knew which path I'd rather take. The longer things are going on, the more I keep thinking about how things used to be. But it's too late to turn back, that's all I know. Today, as usual, I get up and I walk. I've stopped caring so much anymore about what happens to me or who sees me. It feels like I've stopped feeling much at all. It's clear she isn't looking, so why does it matter? I finally decided last night to ask Rae if she still has that place available at her house. I've realized now that nothing is holding me back from staying with her other than my own mind. I walk into the soup kitchen and walk over to the counter Rae usually walks to me to. The past week we've started sitting outside the staff room with the rest of the visitors. There's this older lady, who seems to get along with Rae quite well. She's quite nice to me as well and always keeps offering me parts of her food, even though I've already got plenty. She fits your stereotypical Grandma. I quite like her. She's got one of those smiles that's quite infectious. I can see the old lady sitting in her usual space in the corner of the room, chatting with two of the other regulars, but I can't see Rae anywhere. Again, this hasn't been unusual the past while. Often she's out back and won't notice me until she comes back out, so waiting has become a staple for me. Minutes pass and, even though I'm not sure specifically how long it's been, I can tell it's longer than usual. I'm not particularly worried though. The place has also started becoming noticeably busier since the snow started falling more. Eventually, one of the other members of staff, the one I usually see Rae chatting to, approaches me. She knows me by name now and asks me if I'm alright, why I'm standing there by myself. I tell her I'm waiting for Rae. She looks at me in confusion for a few seconds before it looks like she's realized something out of nowhere. Apparently, Rae had to leave the city in an emergency to go to another Hospital. She doesn't know if and when she'll be back. The lady offers me a menu but I tell her it's alright and wasn't hungry, I just needed to speak to Rae. And with that, I walk out. Okay then.. it's just another person on the list. I can do it on my own. That's all.. that's all. Edited January 15 by Misuzu 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Popular Post Misuzu 148 Posted December 30, 2020 Author Popular Post Report Share Posted December 30, 2020 (edited) 04/DEC/2020 I can barely move. The snow started hitting hard yesterday. It's the worst it's been in ages and it's everywhere. Several times I've woken up with my face half-stuck to either a wall or a industrial trash bin.. I can't bare myself to lay down on the floor. It's freezing. I'm out of most of the supplies Rae had given me, but I still have the socks and hat at least. I'm scared one morning I'll wake up and not be able to get up at all and just lie there waiting to die.. fully awake and aware. If I'm going to die, I've always said I don't want to be aware of it. I.. can't imagine being, not after Dad. Knowing it tore my family apart. The day Dad died, we were barely all talking to each-other, but we stuck through it for his own sake. Once he was gone.. there was nothing for my family to cling onto anymore. Mum turned to alcohol and the rest of the family tried to support her but grew distant when they realized she had found content and comfort in it. Once again, I stopped eating for a few days after Rae disappeared. No longer having much of a reason to stay where I was.. I walked off in the middle of anger towards her. I managed to take some leftovers from one of the takeouts that had just thrown them out, but my stomach didn't agree. I've been feeling sick since. I want to go back to the soup kitchen, but I don't know where I'm going.. not to mention I don't think I'd reach there if I tried. I want warmth.. I want food.. I want to feel safe again.. I want to go home. Edited January 15 by Misuzu 5 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Popular Post Misuzu 148 Posted December 31, 2020 Author Popular Post Report Share Posted December 31, 2020 (edited) 05/DEC/2020 I'm going home. That's it. I made up my mind. I can't stay like this wandering how long it'll be before something good shows up. If I pass the soup kitchen on the way and, not to mention if it's even open this time of night, I'll check and make sure Rae isn't back yet. But if she isn't, home is my only place left now. Even if I die walking back like this, I could at least maybe say I tried. My biggest problem other than the fact that I'm not sure I'll make it? I don't know where I'm going. 'Just look for the tall buildings' is what I always used to get home as a kid, but being this far out, apparently there's a lot more tall buildings than younger me saw. Now it all just seems blended into one. My legs hurt like hell. I slipped over yesterday trying to move too fast. I already took the pads Rae put on last month off. As I struggle to walk up a slanted road, I'm halted by someone shouting. I can barely hear them over the wind, but I turn over my shoulder in the glimpse of hope that it's Rae, or maybe even someone Mum or Dad knew. Even seeing Uncle Ray would be great just about now. Then again, part of me didn't really care who it was. It's a car I don't recognize, but I can see somebody staring back at me through the rolled down window. He asks me if I'm alright, something I can now hear a bit clearer now I'm facing him. I'm anything but okay. I nod anyway, still not wanting to stir up concern. I can't tell what his intentions are, so I keep staring back at him. I feel wary, but the other half of me is too exhausted to really give a care about what the situation is. He pulls the car up on the pavement and I take a step back almost instinctively. "You don't look okay," he replies as he steps out of the vehicle. I'm not sure what to think. He doesn't exactly pose as threatening, but I still don't know this person. He's wearing something weird on his head that I can't quite make out, but he continues keeping his distance nonetheless. He briefly turns around and opens up his back door, taking out what looks like a large blanket. Is this a kidnapping? "You probably think I'm up to no good, so I won't come close," he states, "but you're shaking like mad and it's cold out. Will you at least let me place this blanket half way towards you so you can pick it up?" I ponder on it for a moment, but if he really is going to leave the blanket in the middle of us two, I can accept that. I could wrap it around me to keep me warm until I get back to the house. I go to reply with a brief "sure", which is when I notice just how hard it is to talk properly with my teeth all chattering against eachother. He simply nods, which sort of reminds me of myself a little for some bizarre reason, before stepping forward. As he does, I notice that he, himself, also holds a slight limp in his right leg. Like he promised, he just lies the blanket down on the ground and even goes to the liberty of stepping back a few centimeters. Okay, I think to myself, maybe this is genuine, maybe it's a trap. He keeps his hands up in the air and so I take a few steps forward to reach the blanket, but I take note of how I'm keeping my eyes set on him whilst bending down to get it, which feels extremely awkward. Regardless, I pick up the blanket and also return to my original position, still looking at the man. He hasn't moved. I wrap the blankets around my shoulders, which at first doesn't feel like much. Still, I can't help but thank him. Maybe it'll start feeling a bit warmer in a few minutes once I've adjusted. "Got nowhere to go?" he asks. I explain that I do and it isn't far from here, which, as far as I'm aware, is a major lie. I have absolutely no clue where I am or where I'm going to get where I need to be right now. He casually extends the offer of giving me a lift, which I am very tempted to take, but at the same time, with this blanket, I have a bit more hope of making it back home alive. This could still be something malicious, perhaps. Before I can respond, he says, "if you won't let me take you, will you at least let me get you some gloves, a phone and some food?". He follows by saying he gets it and that he used to be in my place. Somehow that alone makes me feel a little less tense. He gestures at the curb and asks if he can take a seat there. I have no reason to decline. As he sits, out of the complete blue, I find myself asking him something. "How did you get out of it?". He begins talking about how he didn't have the best of lives growing up and mentioned he has a brother who he spent a lot of time fending for. Apparently they moved here when they were 16. He then explains that he ended up behind bars for a while. He didn't say why, but just said he spent 7 years there before finally getting out and ending up spending 4 years on the street. Then comes the answer. The man says he realized he didn't want to wake up being drenched from the rain or sweating from the heat every day for the rest of his life, so he started picking up small jobs and eventually got in contact with his brother. He says that now he owns his own construction firm and tends to employ a lot of people who have had similar lives as him, that it's easier when people understand. He looks back at me and then asks me how long I've been out here. I reply, saying only a couple of weeks, though in truth I'm not 100% sure exactly how long it's been. I couldn't even tell you today's date if you wanted me to. He then asks if the clothes I'm wearing are the only ones I've got. Thankfully, one of the things I had packed was a spare change of clothing, but I was trying to save it in case my current ones got damaged or stolen. I don't tell him that second part, though. He then pleads with me again to at least let him give me a phone in case I get into trouble, I can call him. He also tells me that his partner is a nurse. The man pushes himself up again as I inform him I have a phone on me, I've just been keeping it off to try and reserve battery. Well.. in truth, my phone ran out of battery weeks ago, and I'm not sure I even packed the charger for it. Even if I did, minus the soup kitchen, there wouldn't have been many places to charge it. Maybe if I did have my battery back, though, I could use the GPS to get myself back home safely. He asks me to wait a second and goes back to the trunk of his vehicle, taking out what looks like a duffle bag. He opens it and takes an even smaller bag out, standing there and messing around with it for a few seconds. Eventually, he turns back to me and says that he also never wanted to accept help or sofa surf when he was living rough and so he won't ask me to until I can trust him more, but that what he has in the bag may help. This time, he directly extends his arm to offer it to me, but still keeps himself at a physical distance. "Are you sure about this?2 I stutter throughout the cold, taking the bag and trying to at least get some of a look as to what's there. It's like a whole treasure chest with water, chocolate, nutrient bars and a back-up battery charger. If I can get somewhere, even if it's not home, I can use this to get some energy back and even re-charge my phone to check the GPS. Even so, these are his belongings. Even if offered, is it alright to take such important items from a stranger? He reassures me and says that he always carries them around in case he breaks down and so I shouldn't worry. I find myself faced in the same ordeal that I was with Rae a while ago - wanting to shout a thousand thank yous, but not being able to. He writes down his number on a sheet of paper and hands it to me, asking me to give him a call or at least a text when my phone is up and running again. I tell him I will, with a short appreciative thank you to go along with it. As he goes to climb back into his vehicle, he reminds me to call him if anyone bothers me, saying I should give them a swift kick to an area that I can imagine must be painful to be swift-kicked in, and that if it doesn't sort him out, to call him. I can't help but laugh a little to myself at the way he worded his parting line, but still, all I can do is watch as he gets back into the vehicle. I give him a brief wave before starting to walk off, listening as the car also drives off in the opposite direction. I fold the note up as neatly as I can and zip it up in my jacket pocket. I need to hold onto this, i think, just in case. I decide to find somewhere to settle down for the night. It's late and I'm tired, but for the first time in days.. I actually feel hopeful. I'll eat some of the food and water, get my phone charged up and then finally, tomorrow, I can go home. I'm dreading that, but.. maybe it's something I should be trying not to worry about until tomorrow arrives. After walking for 10 minutes, I manage to find a slightly sheltered area in an alleyway that I'm pretty sure I've seen a couple of times before. Then again, everything looks different in the snow. Oh well, what does it matter? I set myself down with the bag and take out two of the bars along with one of the nutrition bars. I hook my phone up to the battery charger he gave me and I put them both in my backpack to try and keep them warm. I've never been a major fan of these nutrition bars, but I'll take anything if it means that there's maybe a chance of there being a happy ending in all this. As soon as I take a bite, I know I could down the whole thing in a mere matter of seconds, but I decide to try and savor it. Just for a little while, even if it's a minute, I want to feel this same solitude, this feeling that maybe there's more to life than this. It's like a high that I can't explain. I don't want to let go of this feeling, and I'd hold onto it forever if I knew I could. Edited January 15 by Misuzu 5 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Misuzu 148 Posted December 31, 2020 Author Report Share Posted December 31, 2020 (edited) 06/DEC/2020 I wake up the next morning feeling better than I have in a while. It's still cold, but I was at least warmer. Nonetheless, I feel a bit guilty at one fact: I never did get his name. I want to get moving as soon as possible, but I should probably take my time with this. For a while, I just keep lying there, but it isn't long until I feel the need to move anyway to get some more warmth going. I take my phone out of my backpack and, to much relief, it turns on. I watch the screen as it flickers back on - a sight I haven't seen in so long. It doesn't take more than a few seconds for my phone to start pinging wildly, a flash of notifications coming up on my screen. 2 missed calls from Uncle Ray. 7 missed calls from Mum. 6 unread texts. Like I wasn't anxious before, now I feel even more sick to my stomach. Was she calling me because she was angry? Upset? Worried? Happy I had gone? Either way, all the last notifications are week old, so it's still clear even she gave up after a while. With my hand shaking, I open the texts from Mum. 06/NOV/2020 - 23:52 Where the fuck are you? I come back and you're not here. James has gone out to fucking look for you and if you're not there I'm calling the police.You'd better get yourself back home soon or there will be consequences. 07/NOV/2020 - 03:47 Ellie, I'm sorry. Please just come home. I'm worried sick. 08/NOV/2020 - 01:17 ffuck you little brut brat i spend 16 years raising you adn this is how you fucking repay me if i ever see you again youre going to wish you never fuckng left likw tjis; 11/NOV/2020 - 11:08 Ellie, one of our neighbors told me he saw you walking around the other day. Please just text me back at least once if you're getting these. I love you. 13/NOV/2020 - 22:58 why do you ignore me i know you're not dead why do you insist on putting me through so fucking much this is all your fault i hope you fucking suffer so you know what it feels like sselfish fucking chidld ufcking just text me 21/NOV/2020 - 15:27 Ellie, I'm going to stop texting you from now on. Whether your phone is off or you're just ignoring me, I don't know. But I can't blame you. I know I need help. And I'll get it if it means you'll come home. I'm begging you. My friend has agreed to let me stay round her's for a week to help get sober and I promise if you're there when I come home that things will change. Just come home and we can talk it over if you want to, and if you don't that's okay. I just want to hold you in my arms again. I miss dinners and cuddles with my little girl. x Please come home. I'll always be waiting for you. - Mum x I can barely bring myself to read through most of these before I start crying. What the fuck have I done to her? Can I really go home like this? I mean, the text was weeks ago, but maybe she still means it? All of a sudden, I remember I need to text the guy from yesterday. I don't want him to start worrying about my case again as well. But right after I'm done, I'll head straight back home. I need to see her. I need to let her know that everything's okay. That I'm okay. I take out the note I scrunched into my jacket pocket and type the number into my phone. I don't want to call in case he's busy or still asleep, so I'll just text to let him know I have my phone up and running and to thank him again for yesterday. I barely have the chance to put my phone down before my phone pings again. Is it Mum? Nope.. it's him asking if we can meet up. I have at least some time to kill and maybe I'll take up the offer of that ride today. I just want to be home with her more than ever right now. I have to look around a bit to find my location, but after a bit of going back and forth, we finally find eachother. He motions me to get in his car and out of the harsh weather. Without really thinking about it anymore, I oblige and crawl into the back seat. The strong smell of one of those takeouts hits me like a ton of bricks. He hands me a bag from the front and says it's mine if I want it. I feel bad declining and, well.. I am hungry. Looking for excuses like this.. something like that is fine, right? He tells me to buckle up and that he's just going to drive to a nearby car park so we aren't obstructing. On the way there, he asks me how things have been going, so.. I fill him in with the details. Maybe he'll have a good idea on how to best explain the circumstances to my Mum, or how to rekindle things with her? As we talk, he explains to me about some of the stuff he went through back at home, how things were with his family.. our circumstances were different, but hearing all of it puts my mind a little more at ease. Afterwards, he asks me if it's alright if he can drive me to a couple of places. Rather invested in the food, I ask where. He says he wants to show me a couple of places I can find him if I ever need him and can't get ahold of him on the phone. I'm apprehensive, but I'm at least beginning to trust him. He's helped me out this far.. why would it switch now? I tell him he can, but to please just go slowly. Driving around, I look in observation of our surroundings, just in case things do end up going sour. We pull up to several locations. First, we go to this place that looks like it's an old building, but I'm not sure what kind. Then, we go to some big house out in one of those areas kids like me could only ever dream of properly being in. He says that, if I like, I can stay there, even if I go back to live with my Mum, I can use it to take a break from her if I need one, so that way I'm safe. I tell him I'll think about it, and we go off to the third location, a coffee shop on the other side of town. It's so nice and cozy in there and, being the only two people inside, it's so relaxing. He makes us both a hot chocolate, and it's the best thing I've tasted in weeks. It's like forgetting what the cold feels like entirely for that split second. As we sit in silence and drink, he suddenly gets a text. As it turns out, it's from his partner he mentioned the other day. He asks if he could please take me there to get my leg checked out and then, after, he'll take me back to my Mum's so I won't have to walk any further. Already having come this far, why not? Plus, Mum would be worried if I turned out to be injured worse than I thought. 10 minutes later, we're at the Hospital I hate most. Dad's death ward. If he could see me right now, he'd probably be yelling at me for a million things, but I have to do this, for Mum at least, it's perhaps all I can do after all the hurt I've brought her the past few weeks. I anxiously head inside and watch as he approaches reception. Standing there is a lady dressed in Hospital attire. I decide to let him do all the talking. After a brief introduction, she takes me up to a private room where she stays with me whilst the man waits outside. She asks me a couple of questions, like how it happened, if there were any animals involved and.. other things I can't remember. Thankfully, they're just grazes and bruises like they were that time with Rae, so it's a similar process. After, they explain that they can offer me two types of help if I want it. Off the books, which is the man's job, and on the books, which is her's. We both hop in the car after and they drive me back home. He offers to come in with me, but I know I want to do this by myself. Besides.. she'd flip if she saw me with someone she doesn't know. Either that or she'd try getting with him, but considering he has a partner, I'm not so sure that's a grand idea. Not to mention they're polar opposites. Oh. I learnt his name today, as well. It's Rico. As I approach the stairs to the apartment, my heart is racing. What if she changed her mind? What if she was lying? What if she's not home? What if she's hurt herself? What if she's gone back to her old ways already? But right now, I have nowhere else to go. If she isn't, then.. I don't know. If she still has the spare key under the mat, I can use that to get in and just.. call Rico or his partner in the morning. I don't want to bother them any more than I have to though. I reach the door of our apartment without interruption and stand there, staring at the door that feels like a stranger. Staring at the ground, my hand reaches to knock on the door by itself. I half don't expect an answer. She's either out, or I used to be getting the door. But I can't get the door, because I'm not inside. As I go to bend down to check under the mat for the spare key, I hear the door click. I look up and I freeze. It's Mum, just standing there. She looks better than I've seen her in.. ages. What if I fixed her by leaving? And what if, by coming back, I ruin it all again? We just stand there staring at eachother, like time's frozen around both of us and not just me. All of a sudden, she steps forward and wraps me in the tightest hug she's held me in since the day Dad died. And as she does, I finally feel it. I'm finally home. Edited January 15 by Misuzu 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Misuzu 148 Posted January 1 Author Report Share Posted January 1 (edited) 07/DEC/2020 As cliche as it sounds, waking up the next morning still feels like it isn't real. After Mum stopped hugging me, we both went indoors. She insisted on checking me over, so she found the pads that Rico's partner put on my knees yesterday. She wasn't too happy and kept asking me how I got them, but I was too tired to feel like explaining, so we both just decided we'd go to bed, talk about it today instead. I'm not exactly looking forward to it, but if it'll avoid an argument for a while.. so be it. One of the things Mum mentioned is that the landlord has filed an eviction notice against her. Apparently she's still with that James guy who she was seeing the night I ran off and he's said she can come and stay with him at his place in a few days time, so she'll contact him today and ask if I can move in with her as well. Right now, I'll take it. It's already the early afternoon when I wake up. I'm not surprised. It's the first time I've slept on a bed in a month or so - it was actually sort of uncomfortable at first. Guess I stopped being used to it after a while. I roll myself out of bed, sort of reluctant to. I'd stay right here if I could. I can tell that Mum's already awake, since I can hear the television from the living room. That's one thing that's not changed, I suppose. I leave the room and eye her from the doorframe. She peers down back at me and motions me over. Stepping into the living room, it doesn't even feel like the same place anymore. I think she must see the confusion in my eyes, because the next thing she says is "Emmy helped me clean it up. Figured that.. if the landlord was going to come to take it away, might as well take some of the effort away from him," before sighing. I nod and go to sit down on the sofa opposite her. I'm not sure what to say to her. Do I ask her how she is? Do I apologize first? Do I just.. explain? "Ellie.." she starts, "I don't expect you to tell me everything, not if you don't want to. I know I wasn't the best before, I wasn't in the right place. I'm sorry.. I stayed with Emmy for a few weeks like I promised you I would. She got me with this guy she knows who's supposed to help out people who are recovering, but.. I'm better now. You and me, we can both have the life we deserve, see?" As she says that, she reaches forward and takes both ym hands. Her voice is trembling again like it usually does when she's on the edge of having one of her breakdowns. I take both her hands back and interrupt before she can go any further. "Look, Mum... it's fine. I promise," I say with a small, forced smile. I don't want the first day I spend back with her to be like things were before, so i need to try and keep her grounded if I can. "How about I make us both some breakfast or something?" I follow up with. She lets go of my hands and leans back. "It should be me who's making it," she goes. She stands up before I can say much else, looking back down at me. "What did you want? Cereal? Scrambled eggs?". "Cereal," I say, without second thought. Who knows I would've missed cereal so much? I certainly never imagined it at least. She nods and smiles, running a hand through my hair before moving away. Whilst I hear her messing around with the bowls and plates behind me, I look over at Dad's old reclining chair and can't help but smile a little. I wonder if he's happy to see us back together again. Maybe I'd better text Rico again in a bit to let him know I'm alright. I still want to thank him and his partner for everything they've both done for me. Minutes later, Mum returns with the cereal. She hasn't got any herself, but I expect she already ate considering the time of day. Even if you were to take away the fact that I've been gone for a month, this is awkward. I haven't sat down for a meal with Mum that isn't during a breakdown in.. well, I'm not sure how long. We both sit there in silence and she goes back to watching her reality shows on the TV. "He said it's alright, by the way, El'," she perks up. I raise my head a little, looking back at her. "James said you can move in with us". I chew for a moment, nodding before letting out a quiet, "When?". She ponders for a moment and looks like she's about to break something I may not like the sound of. "Well.. it was supposed to be on Thursday, but.. since you're back, he says we could move in today if we wanted to. There's a spare bedroom he's set up for you." "What about the stuff we've got here..?" I ask timidly. I never really liked asking her questions that made it sound I was going against whatever Mum wanted. it was one of those things that usually made her angry or upset. "Well.. there's not room for much stuff at James', but.. if there's anything here you want to take with you, I can talk to him about it, see what we can do, eh?". I swallow and let us both bathe awkwardly in a moment of silence. "What about Dad's old chair..?" I go, my voice more quiet than before. Mum sighs, like she has no clue what to say. It makes me realize just how much of her I lost to the alcohol beforehand. "Look, Ellie.. I'm not sure us taking it with us is a good idea. I need to move on from your Dad and.." she stops talking. I see her voice of reason still hasn't improved much either. I don't want to argue with her, but already I can feel something ticking off inside me. Okay.. deep breaths, that's all I need to do. Don't let this turn out sour, don't be the reason it all goes to ground zero again. "Mum, please.. it's all we have left of him," I stutter, trying to find my own voice of reason. "If you don't want it, it's fine, you don't have to, but please, let me have it in my room or something". My right finger scratches against my trouser leg a few times. For some reason that's something I've always done when things get awkward or if I'm upset. I don't know why though. "Please," I beg again, just looking at her. She looks back up at me, heaving a sigh and seemingly lost in contemplation. Does she do what her daughter wants or what she feels is best for her? Was it wrong of me to ask? "I'll.. see what we can do, but I can't promise anything. I'm sorry," she says. This is the first time I've seen her this calm and simultaneously upset ever since Dad got sick. It's.. really unnerving and I still feel on edge, like she's going to snap any second but I won't know it. Not wanting to say anything or make things worse than they already are, I just nod. "Thanks, uhm.. for the cereal," I say and push myself up, following my old routine of putting the bowl back into the sink. It's at that moment I realize how much I've not done for a whole month. Slept in a bed, eaten cereal, washed up, got dressed, had a proper shower, or even been able to properly brush my teeth now that I think about it. It's as I think that, that I've decided what I want to do next. "I'm gonna go take a bath" I state, looking over my shoulder at Mum, who's already seemingly forgotten about the conversation and, once again, gone back to her TV screen admiration. She doesn't respond to that, but what can you say to it? I run myself a bath, and it's the same feeling I got when I was having that hot chocolate with Rico yesterday. The feeling's just so overwhelming that, right now, everything feels okay, even if it isn't fully. Well, not yet at least. I'm trying not to be too optimistic about Mum, but at the same time I don't want to do the opposite and shut her down if I were to call the difference I see in her just temporary, or a lie, but who knows.. Maybe everything really will be okay. Edited January 15 by Misuzu 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Popular Post Misuzu 148 Posted January 1 Author Popular Post Report Share Posted January 1 (edited) 25/DEC/2020 Even though this will be our third Christmas without Dad, it still feels weird. Not necessarily because he isn't here, but because it's 10am and Mum hasn't cracked open a single bottle of alcohol yet. We ended up moving into James' apartment a few days after Mum and I spoke. She said she wanted to make sure I was comfortable with her again before we brought somebody else into the picture. I managed to convince her to take the reclining chair in the end, but it's sat in the corner of my room so she doesn't have to keep walking past it everyday. I've not been able to sit on it quite yet though since I still haven't unpacked properly. She seems a lot more happier with this James guy than I've seen her in forever. I don't really speak to him much, though. I somehow get the feeling he doesn't like me; probably because of what I did to Mum, but maybe it's just because we haven't really got to know each-other properly. Either that or I just don't want to get to know him, considering Mum's past partners. He works at a nightclub in the center of town, which is probably how those two met. Whilst Mum usually stuck to small, local bars, occasionally she would pull the "go big or go home" card. I haven't bothered asking, mind you. Funnily enough, his place isn't far away from where I slept the night before I came back home. I'm pretty sure it's on the same road. It's stopped snowing as heavily, but it's still a white Christmas, so I can safely say I'm satisfied. The snow is a lot more prettier being inside in the warmth. It's not too bad of a place. He's done it up quite nicely. There's two bedrooms, one for me and those two. My room's not that much bigger than what it was at home, but it's comfortable, and that's all I want and need. Even the living room and kitchen are separate, which has, bizarrely, been the one thing that's taken me the most time to get used to. Mum's gone back to drinking on occasion, but James and I have been trying to help her make sure it stays that way. We've had two arguments - one about the possibility of me going back to school and another about me wanting to go out on late night walks. She says this area is too dangerous. Arguments bother me, but these ones are normal family ones, right? She just wants what's best for me, so I understand why she feels this way. I just sort of wish she would see it my way, too. The evening is when I tend to get more irritable and, even after the past month, walking is still one of the things that I find calms me down the most. So when I feel my body getting tense or my head start to hurt, walking's what I do. It's what I've always done. We've all decided to not really celebrate Christmas the "traditional" way this year. We have a small Christmas tree that Mum wanted all three of us to decorate together, but it would've reminded me too much of Christmases years ago, so I sat out. I felt bad for it, but I just couldn't bring myself to take part in it. We're still having a Christmas lunch, but instead of turkey, we're having chicken. It was cheaper and easier to find since we sort of left it a little late to gather Christmas supplies this year. We're still having roast potatoes and everything else, though. We skipped the gifts this year as well. None of us were really sure what to get each-other. I think I might see if there's somewhere I can go this evening. Mum's been talking about drinking a lot today because "it's Christmas". Even if she has been mostly sober for the past few weeks, I'm scared that if she keeps going that it'll just take one drink too many for things to go back to how they used to be. Perhaps if I'm not good enough of a reason not to, then maybe James will be? Either way, I think today will still be sort of nice. Edited January 15 by Misuzu 5 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Popular Post Misuzu 148 Posted January 1 Author Popular Post Report Share Posted January 1 (edited) act 2 filler Edited January 15 by Misuzu 5 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Popular Post Misuzu 148 Posted January 1 Author Popular Post Report Share Posted January 1 (edited) SONG CHOICE: True Faith cover by Ashley Johnson I feel so extraordinary, Something's got a hold on me. I got the feeling I'm in motion, A sudden sense of liberty. The chances are we've gone to far, You took my time and you took my money. And now I fear you've left me standing, In a world that's so demanding. Edited January 15 by Misuzu 5 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Misuzu 148 Posted January 1 Author Report Share Posted January 1 (edited) 26/DEC/2020 (PART I) She kicked me out. She wasn't even that drunk. She just kicked me out. We got into a stupid argument. What's worse is that it's all my fault. I was worried that she was going to start drinking more than what she was supposed to, so.. I started shouting at her. I told her that if she went back to how things were that I'd never forgive her. Then I said the worst thing I possibly could have at that moment. I screamed at her that I wished I had never come home. Then she started screaming back at me, running through the "do you know what could have happened if" speech. "Like you care what happens to me," I yelled back. Then she said she'd teach me what it feels like and then, after that.. she said that if I liked being hit so much to just go back. She didn't even give me time to grab my stuff. Not my phone, not my shoes, not even a coat. She just pushed me to the door. I've waited out here for her all damn night. I did everything. I sat crying outside the door for hours. I fucking begged her. She didn't come for me. I need to find Rico. Edited January 15 by Misuzu 2 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Popular Post Misuzu 148 Posted January 1 Author Popular Post Report Share Posted January 1 (edited) 26/DEC/2020 (PART II) Right now, I'm sat in the back of some officer's cruiser. My eye hurts like hell. I was trying to make my way to the Hospital, see if I could find Rico's partner there. It's the only place I roughly know my way to from the new house. I can't remember where the other three places he showed me are. I can only just hope that she's there, and if not at least somebody knows who I'm talking about. Unfortunately, they don't. This officer went with me to check after having picked me up before I could even make it half-way to the destination. Apparently young, teenage girls walking in the middle of winter bare feet is a cause for concern. There was no way he was letting me go off by myself, in his own words. He got me set up with some shoes and a hoodie, which I feel like crap for. All I've been doing the last month or so is leaning onto others for everything. If I can get myself set up somewhere.. I really need to go job hunting. This guy drives way too fast for an officer of the law. I think he might have been doing it just to show off or get some sort of laugh out of me at least, but right now, I really don't feel like it. After we're done, he drives us down to the pier and gets both of us ice cream. On our way there, I could've sworn I noticed that coffee shop Rico was talking about. I don't want to interrupt, so I decide to wait until he's done with whatever his intentions are here. As it turns out, he's also another one. And by that, I mean he starts going into his own childhood, mentioning that he also used to be in a similar situation when he was younger. He said he also has a spare room at his place, but.. I tell him I need to think about it and talk to a friend of mine first. As usual, I feel bad turning this stuff down, but I can't say yes to everything, right? Besides.. I remember them saying last time I saw them that they could offer help both on and off the books. I don't want anything bad to happen to Mum, but I need someone to make sure she doesn't go back to how she was. Maybe he knows somebody who can help Then again, maybe with me gone, she has no reason to be stressed and thus no longer a reason to be doing what she shouldn't.. maybe me leaving really is the cure for that. Names seem to be a last moment thing again - turns out his name is Lucas. He tells me what station he works at and says that, if I need to come talk to him, to just head there and ask for him if he isn't there. I don't know what the chances are, but I'd at least like to go back to be able to thank him and hopefully re-pay him for the clothes someday. I need to start taking note of what I owe people. It's beginning to feel like a lot. It is a lot. I ask him to drop me off near where I thought I saw the coffee shop, but we struggle with finding it since, as it turns out, "brown colored coffee shop we saw on the way here about 5 minutes before the pier" is a difficult specification to hunt down. We end up at a road nearby, so I just say he can drop me off there. I'll try and see if I can find the rest of the way there on foot. My eye's started really hurting now and every so often it keeps going blurry in that eye.. I really hope this is nothing serious. And I really hope I can find Rico. I have to. Edited January 15 by Misuzu 5 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Misuzu 148 Posted January 4 Author Report Share Posted January 4 (edited) 26/DEC/2020 (PART III) Out of all the odds, one thing was in my favor today at least. It didn't seem that Rico was inside the coffee shop, so I thought maybe I'd wait outside until he shows up. Thankfully, I didn't find myself waiting long at all. 10 minutes later, there he is in front of me on his bike. I can't tell what he seemed more surprise about - the fact that I was standing there or the fact that the hit to my eye had become a little more evident than I had hoped for. Words can't describe how bad I feel for going practically MIA on him for weeks and then suddenly showing up like "hey, I need your help". He asks me to wait again whilst he goes back and gets his car. Honestly, I'll wait however long it takes. Less than 5 minutes later, he's back. He asks me if I want to go out and eat lunch somewhere or just grab pizza and go back to his place. I really don't feel like going anywhere busy or public right now, so we decide on the latter. On the ride to his, I realize how long it's been since I've actually had a takeout pizza. Mum and I used to have a lot of those frozen supermarket pizzas a lot after Dad first died. She stopped cooking and I had, well.. have, no idea how to cook properly, but we couldn't afford constant takeout pizzas, so those were always the best alternative. His place is a lot different to what I expected it to be. Not in a bad way. I'm almost taken aback by it. I always wondered how people could afford places like these, but now I'm actually in one. I don't actually know what to do with myself, so I just stand there looking lost until he advises me to go and take a seat on the sofa. The sofa is the kind where it's so comfortable, it feels better than any bed I've ever slept in at least. I'm not sure if it's supposed to be like that, but it is. Rico sits down and we talk about everything that's been going on. I open up to him about my Mum, the drinking and.. most things, but I don't tell him about the argument. Not the one from last night. He says that, regardless, a parent shouldn't hit their child the way she hit me. Then he asks a question that, even though I know the answer to, "do you need a place to stay?". As much as I know the answer is yes, I can barely bring myself to vocally say it. Much like back at the soup kitchen, it's like all my vocal chords just froze, but I think my face says all he needs to know. He says not to worry and that he'll set up a bed in the office on the bottom floor, and off he goes whilst I'm left to eat what's left of the pizza. Minutes later, he returns, and for just a little while, we sit there together. He insists on checking my eye, so I let him, but it hurts like crazy at the moment, especially when he prods at it. He mentions he thinks I have a fractured eye socket, which sounds bad in itself, but explains that we'll go and have someone check it out later in the day, so I feel that it can't be that serious if we're not going straight there. Then, Rico asks me if I need anything from my house. Whilst it's not necessary, ideally I'd at least like to get my phone and backpack returned. It's got all my music on it, and right now I could drown myself in pure sound for hours on end. However, I explain that the chances are, my Mum won't let me in and I doubt she'd be any less reluctant with him. Unlike back at our old apartment, there was no mat to keep a spare key under, so unless Mum or James was home, there was no way it was going to be possible. Then he offers something sort of crazy - lockpicking. As much as I'm against the idea, I agree. He calls up his brother who meets us both outside the house a while later. His name's Dexter. We drive down to the apartments and I sort of sink into the front seat. Even if I'm not going anywhere, this situation is nothing but the definition of anxiety. What if he gets caught? What if Mum does something to him? What if Mum or James sees me out here? What if the police show up? I'm so plagued in those thoughts that the situation drags on for ages. I'm not sure where Dexter's gone, but I think he's supposed to be nearby. Rico finally returns later with my phone and backpack. I thought I felt relief that time I first went back home, but this beats that feeling by far. After that, we go back to Rico's with Dexter and my belongings and talk about some casual stuff. Where I'm from, what I want to be when I grow up and, in all honesty, I don't know what I want to be. I sort of gave up on ambitions once I left school, believing that when I gave up school, I had given up on a future through that one act. Rico mentions he might be able to get me some sort of placement with the Hospital or something similar. I'm not sure if it's anything I'd ever be good at, but anything's got to be worth a shot. The sooner I get one, the better. I'd be able to pay Lucas back, pay Rico back, and start being able to financially depend on myself for basic things. He also asks me if I'd ever consider going back to High School. I've thought about it, but I'm not sure. I feel like it's too late to go back, like I've missed out on too much to ever be able to catch up with it all. One of the conversation topics we touched on was driving. I've never really thought much about if I do or don't want to drive. Driving certainly makes things easier, and the idea of it in itself is appealing - I'd be able to drive myself to anywhere at any point, travel to places I've not been able to before. It's the other people on the road that scare me. You hear too much about car accidents or people just driving stupidly. Nonetheless, he suggests that we go outside and he'd try teaching me how to. Surprisingly, there's a lot less to it than I thought there was. I thought there was a whole load of technical knowledge you needed to know to operate one of these things, but when he explains it, it sounds so simple. We manage to drive around for a bit but get interrupted by one of Rico's friends who has somehow managed to get themselves stranded out on an island. I'm still not sure how it happened, but when we finally got there, his boat was parked half-way up the island. I couldn't figure out what to do, so I just sort of stood there and watched Rico, Dexter and this friend they called Ron push the boat back into the ocean. We all head back to Ron's house with a proposed barbecue, but he sort of disappears somewhere. We even saw Lucas on the way back, which felt really awkward. He offers me a place to live, I say I need to talk to a friend and here I am having now moved in with that friend, I'm not sure how he must be thinking of me right now. I sit there hoping Ron didn't get his vehicle stuck somewhere like he did with his boat. We all sit and wait for about 30 minutes before giving up, so Rico proposes that we go to the Hospital to get my eye checked out. Might as well get it over and done with, I suppose. Rico's partner isn't available, so we get stuck with another person instead. She reminds me of Rico's partner a bit though and is really nice about the situation. She keeps doing her best to comfort me, but in a place like this, I can't help but feel uneasy. She takes me to get an X-RAY, which isn't all that comfortable as I end up having to wear this weird blanket that's unusually heavy. Fortunately, it's quick, and I thought that maybe was it, but as it turns out, it wasn't. She leads both Rico and I through to an assessment room and goes through some stuff whilst we wait for the results to come back. Half way as we're talking, Rico suddenly runs out saying that he needs to be sick. From then on, it feels like everything's going wrong again and I just want to go home. He comes back a few minutes later but looks like he's just seen a thousand ghosts standing out in the hallway. As it turns out, Rico was right about the fractured eye socket. The lady we're with says they can either call in a reconstructive surgeon or wait and see if the swelling goes down in a few days. I immediately know what option I'm going with. Rico asks me to go and meet Dexter down in the waiting room whilst he stays behind and gets some stuff done. I do, but it's not a place I want to be. Being in the waiting room feels like waiting for bad news and makes my stomach hurt. Dexter and I sit there for a few minutes, but after I ask to go and sit outside, he proposes we go back to the pier for ice cream. I decide against telling him that I've already done that once today. It's a chance to get out of here and if Rico trusts him, I'm sure I'll be okay with him. Whilst on the pier, we talk a little about Rico. Dexter says he worries as well but is sure Rico will be fine. I'm trying to believe the same, but I'm struggling to. We eventually go back to the Hospital to pick both him and the lady who treated me up who, as it turns out, is Dexter's partner. However, when we get there, Rico isn't there for us to pick up, which everybody seems confused on. Dexter picks his phone up and dials who I only assume is Rico, only I understand nothing of the conversation. They have to be talking about me, right? Otherwise why would they speak in another language? I know that, deep down, there's probably some other logical explanation, but I can't help but assume the worst right now for some reason, like my mind is doomed to it. Dexter drops me off back at the house and says Rico said he'll be back a bit later, but doesn't know when exactly. There's really not much I can do but go inside and set myself up downstairs, but for hours I'm unable to get to sleep, just wandering when and if Rico is actually coming back home. It's fine, I'm sure it'll just be a little longer.. Edited January 15 by Misuzu 4 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Misuzu 148 Posted January 4 Author Report Share Posted January 4 (edited) 27/DEC/2020 I never should've fucking come here. Today was supposed to be good. It was supposed to be happy. We were supposed to have the party all together. I knew it. I knew something was up the moment they took longer than 20 minutes to come out of that damned Hospital. When somebody says they won't be long and they end up taking ages, what are you supposed to fucking expect? It was too quiet. We rode back in silence. He didn't even come inside with us, he just said he "needed a minute". That was enough for me. I want to shut off and go to sleep but his brother calls me up before I can even hit the pillows. It's cancer. Fucking cancer. Again. He says "he'll be fine" and that "even though the survival rates of his type of cancer are 53%, he'll be fine", "we need to be there to support him". How the fuck do you expect me to believe such bullshit? I've seen it. I've seen what it does to people. It destroys them. It destroys their families. It destroys everything and everyone. Even after that, he still has the audacity to come down and say "Hey! Do you want to cut the fucking turkey?" like absolutely nothing is wrong. I sit upstairs with the others and play pretend because that's what everyone else seems to be doing as well. Does nobody want to acknowledge it? Absolutely nobody? How fucking dare he. Edited January 15 by Misuzu 3 1 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Misuzu 148 Posted January 9 Author Report Share Posted January 9 (edited) 28/DEC/2020 I can't sleep. I don't even know what time it is. This has to be something I've brought upon him. It just has to be. If I had never showed up again, maybe all of this never would've happened. 「We can't go through this again, you know that.」 But what about him? How's he going to feel if I distance myself now? How much of an asshole does that make me? 「But what about yourself? He's going to die, Ellie, and there's nothing you can do. If you distance yourself now, when he dies you won't hurt anymore. This is for your own good.」 He'll hate me. I can't just leave him. It's like Dexter said. I need to continue supporting him. I can do it. I'll get a job, help out with the finances so he doesn't have to. I'll be there for him. I have to be. I want to be. Even if he dies, I want to be there for him until the very end. I'll never forgive myself if I'm not. 「It should be you hating him. He's the one who's leaving you here. Once he goes, you'll have nobody. Everyone's leaving you alone again. Maybe it's just how you're destined to turn out, poor thing.」 Don't call me that. 「That's what you need to believe. 」 That's not true. It's not his fault, he's not chosen this. Nobody does. 「But somebody has to be at fault. If it's not his, then whose? 」 Mine. 「Why? 」 I don't know. It just has to be. It isn't his. So that just leaves me. 「...」 What am I supposed to do? 「Just save yourself and get out of here. You've done it before, you can do it again. It's easy. You just run away from all your problems as always because that's the only thing you know how to do.」 I don't want to. 「Is that so?」 ... 「That so?」 That's so. Edited January 15 by Misuzu 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Misuzu 148 Posted January 10 Author Report Share Posted January 10 (edited) 01/JAN/2021 Happy New Year, I guess. It's almost a week since things changed. I still don't know what to do. I managed to land myself a part-time job at one of the fast food restaurants down in Del Perro. I'm not sure if they were just that desperate for staff or if the bruise still lingering around my eye won me sympathy points, but I start in a few days. I have training tomorrow, but for some reason it's at a God early time of 8am. I'm not sure if I've been up that early since I stopped going to school. Nonetheless, it's what I have to do, so I'll do it. It's just one day. Lately, I'm trying not to think or feel much, but it's difficult. I don't even understand why I feel this way. One moment it's like nothing has happened. The next I go back to being angry, and then sad. Some days I barely spend time in the house, other days I do. I wish I didn't feel this way. It shouldn't be me feeling this way. Everybody else seems to be managing it just fine. Nothing has changed between all of them. It's just me. I feel so selfish and I wish everything would just shut up. I wish all those thoughts and feelings would all just disappear and that I could be the same way everyone else around me is. What must he think of me? Edited January 15 by Misuzu 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Misuzu 148 Posted January 15 Author Report Share Posted January 15 (edited) 03/JAN/2021 All I can see in me right now is her. The anger, the selfishness, the self centeredness; everything. Walking didn't help at all today. I can't count the minutes or distance I walked before I gave up. We're having good days, but everybody else is still the same, with only me that has changed. I don't get it. Rico has moved to doing chemotherapy at home. Both him and his brother keep reassuring me that he'll be okay, but no matter how many times either of them tell me, I can't seem to shake out the imaginary fact in my mind that he will die from this. I don't get it. Being able to support him helps, and it doesn't help. Distancing myself helps, and it doesn't help. I want to die, but I don't want to die. I want to live, but I don't want to live. Can you understand others without becoming others first? Why am I making this all about me? Does thinking this way make it even more selfish than it already is? Am I seeking justification or am I seeking punishment? Am I seeking comfort or solitude? Am I seeking both? I don't get it. I feel everything but nothing simultaneously. I want to feel nothing, because everything is more overwhelming. But if I feel nothing, I do nothing, and if I do nothing, I think of everything. I don't get it. Today, I hit the wall so hard my knuckles bled, but for a moment, it felt alright. Like every bit of anger I felt towards myself got transferred into that object. It was a painful form of nice, but if you think about it, that nice isn't nice at all. I don't get it. Edited January 15 by Misuzu 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
